This was the start of a very long conversation M and I had earlier today. We are still in our first year of marriage and trying to find our way and establish our roles. I am struggling with letting him lead and he is struggling with leading.
I was raised in a fairly strict home. My parents loved and supported me, but had very high expectations. I was a good student, worked hard and got good grades. I started my first real job at 14 and paid my way through many years of university. If there was something that I wanted, I earned it. As a result of this upbringing, I am very independent.
My husbands childhood was very different. He was raised by a single mother who loved and adored him. She happily did everything for him and expected nothing from him. If he didn't want to go to school, that was okay. If he failed a class, that was okay. If he didn't want to work, that was okay. He wasn't really taught responsibility. And since his father was only a part of his life on alternating weekends, he never really saw the "male" role in a home.
He is however, the most caring, loving, affectionate, sweetest man I have ever met. Which is why I fell in love with him. When he asked me to marry him, I was thrilled and excited to start this new journey. We bought a house and moved in together. I immediately started paying the bills, doing the housework, planning renovations, doing the renovations. I would tell him when something needed to be done, such as cut the grass or take out the garbage, and some times it would happen. Other times I would wait until the last possible minute and do it myself. We quickly got 'comfortable' with this routine.
I essentially became the HOH. Which is not something I have ever wanted. I was confused and frustrated, and often angry with the love of my life. I started researching gender roles and some how during my research I stumbled across Clin'ts blog: Learning Domestic Discipline. I new immediately that this was something that I wanted. I asked and explained and discussed and emailed my hubby regularly for a long period of time. And I was just about to give up, until one night when we lying in bed talking I asked him if you would ever be willing to try it. He responded "I am, I just need to find my way and figure this out." I was thrilled!
However, while visiting with a friend today I realized that despite the numinous conversations I have had with him regarding Domestic Discipline I never really explained to him what I was hoping to accomplish with this lifestyle. "I need to need you" and so our talk started. "If you were to leave tomorrow, I would miss you dearly. But... not much would change." I need to need you. I need to depend on you. I need to need you like I need the heart in my chest. Today I am giving you the gift of me... all of me. Please take it... guide me, love me, lead me.
I know that I am asking a lot, but I know you can do it.
Hi Becky, and welcome to blog land! I cannot believe the similarities in our upbringing. My husband had a dad who was a lump on the couch and a mother who did everything. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteI'm wishing you the VERY best in your new journey!!
Thank you so much Rogue! And thank-you for posting on my Blog. You will forever been known as the first person to comment here!!
ReplyDeleteBecky,
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say Welcome to Blogland also. You wrote such a heartfelt post there. I am wishing you (& M) every success as you embark on this journey. I am not in an exact DD relationship, but have the highest regard for those who do practice DD. You are in good company with the group you list on your blog roll. I have not been in the blog world very long. But, I am sure you will start to hear from many others and get lots of good advice. Blogging will help you get your thoughts down and you will find support in the community here. Again, all the best to you. Regards, SNP
Hi Becky! I am new to DD also :) I didn't realize until I read what you wrote but I think that is why my Hubby has difficulties being our HoH sometimes. His mom did (and continues) to do every tiny thing for him. She was def in charge at their house growing up. I always worked for what I wanted. He is not lazy though, he just doesn't get why I "need to need him". Thank you for sharing this!
ReplyDelete~Anna
I just wanted to tell you how powerful your words are. I really i.d. with what you are describing here. Not sure that my hubby are full on DD but we are exploring spanking as a way to bring me back to who I used to be and to cease procrastination and some other ways of thinking in me. I think that this lifestyle is the closest thing I've found to what I need. Thanks for putting it out there!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much SNP, Anna, and Bratty Adaline. It means a lot to me to read your kind words. I was hesitant to start a Blog and nervous but it really means a lot to hear that others are relating or even benefiting from what I have to say.
ReplyDeleteHiya! I'm new to blogging about TTWD too - I'm not married (YET!) and don't exactly have a DD relationship, but I do feel a sense of submitting to my BIKSS really rather strongly. The men I've dated all sound pretty much like your M. I suppose that's why I couldn't bring myself to make a future with them. My mum was the matriarch in my family, and she brought up all the girls to be independent and strong (which I am) at the same time spoiling and coddling my brother. Go figure. Anyway, welcome and do stop by and drop a note on my blog. I've had a LOT of questions answered by the people in Blogland. And an incredible amount of support too!
ReplyDelete*how about adding a "followers" gadget? That's a suggestion someone made to me and I did... I realise it's easier for people to "follow" you and get updates whenever you post something new.