This was the start of a very long conversation M and I had earlier today. We are still in our first year of marriage and trying to find our way and establish our roles. I am struggling with letting him lead and he is struggling with leading.
I was raised in a fairly strict home. My parents loved and supported me, but had very high expectations. I was a good student, worked hard and got good grades. I started my first real job at 14 and paid my way through many years of university. If there was something that I wanted, I earned it. As a result of this upbringing, I am very independent.
My husbands childhood was very different. He was raised by a single mother who loved and adored him. She happily did everything for him and expected nothing from him. If he didn't want to go to school, that was okay. If he failed a class, that was okay. If he didn't want to work, that was okay. He wasn't really taught responsibility. And since his father was only a part of his life on alternating weekends, he never really saw the "male" role in a home.
He is however, the most caring, loving, affectionate, sweetest man I have ever met. Which is why I fell in love with him. When he asked me to marry him, I was thrilled and excited to start this new journey. We bought a house and moved in together. I immediately started paying the bills, doing the housework, planning renovations, doing the renovations. I would tell him when something needed to be done, such as cut the grass or take out the garbage, and some times it would happen. Other times I would wait until the last possible minute and do it myself. We quickly got 'comfortable' with this routine.
I essentially became the HOH. Which is not something I have ever wanted. I was confused and frustrated, and often angry with the love of my life. I started researching gender roles and some how during my research I stumbled across Clin'ts blog: Learning Domestic Discipline. I new immediately that this was something that I wanted. I asked and explained and discussed and emailed my hubby regularly for a long period of time. And I was just about to give up, until one night when we lying in bed talking I asked him if you would ever be willing to try it. He responded "I am, I just need to find my way and figure this out." I was thrilled!
However, while visiting with a friend today I realized that despite the numinous conversations I have had with him regarding Domestic Discipline I never really explained to him what I was hoping to accomplish with this lifestyle. "I need to need you" and so our talk started. "If you were to leave tomorrow, I would miss you dearly. But... not much would change." I need to need you. I need to depend on you. I need to need you like I need the heart in my chest. Today I am giving you the gift of me... all of me. Please take it... guide me, love me, lead me.
I know that I am asking a lot, but I know you can do it.